What can I expect to have happen in this process?
You realize you need therapy, but now you are not sure whether I will be a good fit for you. You might even be asking something along the lines of, “How does Jeremy do therapy?”
Knowing a little about how I view therapy, addictions, or relationships can help you to make an informed decision as to whether to schedule a consult or your first session with me or to continue looking for someone else. It is my desire to communicate a little about my therapy philosophies, because I want you to begin building confidence that I can help you.
What to expect
moving forward.
Compulsive Behaviors or Addictions
I realize that many of you will find me because either you or your partner struggle with some form of compulsive sexual, porn, or love related behavior that is causing problems for you and your relationships. You may be looking for a way to stop the unwanted behaviors or to recover from the devastation caused by the discovery of those behaviors.
Early on in treatment, our priority will be to create a plan to find sobriety or to maintain sobriety by preventing relapses. If you are in a relationship in which your partner feels betrayed by your behaviors, we will also develop a plan to begin to repair the relational rupture caused by the betrayal.
Once sobriety has been maintained and the risk of relapse has been lowered, the deeper work can begin. I believe that compulsive or addictive behaviors are a symptom of something deeper. Sometimes, those who have developed compulsive or addictive behaviors have experienced some form of trauma at an earlier time in their life. Other times those with compulsive or addictive behaviors report that their earlier lives were good with no traumas. Regardless of whether you have experienced trauma or not, we will work to get down to what is beneath the compulsive or addictive behaviors.
It is at this point in therapy that we start to explore the deeper “why” questions, such as “Why did I do what I did?” or “Why couldn’t I stop even though I knew better?” or “How could someone who says they love me betray me like they did?”
Healing through Relationship
From the moment we first communicate about setting up your first appointment and all throughout your sessions, I will be focused on the therapeutic relationship between you and me. I believe that healing does not usually happen in isolation; rather, healing happens in the context of healthy relationships. Therefore, it is my desire to build a healthy therapeutic relationship.
4 S’s of Attachment
Ok, you may now be thinking something along the lines of, “how exactly will you build a relationship with me so I can experience healing?” I use the 4 S’s of attachment:
seen, soothed, safe, and secure.
Seen
At some point in your life, you have probably felt unseen, unheard, or invalidated by those how are supposed to care. In fact, maybe you are coming to therapy because you feel that your partner, family, or friends don’t understand or get you. One of the most painful experiences is to feel the isolation and loneliness that comes with feeling unseen, unheard, or invalidated.
When I am in your presence either in person or online, it is my desire to help you feel seen. I will be regularly attuning to you to what you are saying or even not saying. I will reflect what I am hearing, and I will try to avoid assumptions by asking questions to make sure I am hearing you. I will focus on validating the things you are saying. Finally, I will attune to your emotions to feel a sense of what you are feeling.
Safe
As another person takes the time to hear, see, and validate you and as you develop the tools to sooth yourself, you will notice that your nervous system starts to calm itself. As you develop the skill of calming your nervous system, you may begin to feel safe.
Think back throughout your life to the relationships in which you felt emotionally safe. As you reflect, you will probably notice that in those relationships you felt completely seen. You didn’t have to prove yourself at all. Being in the presence of the person who saw you and valued you for being you helped you to feel soothed. Consequently, you felt safe and secure.
Secure
For a long time, the common belief was that if you are not securely attached, you are out of luck and will always be insecurely attached. However, through feeling seen in a healthy relationship and learning tools to sooth yourself, you will begin to feel safe which ultimately takes you to secure attachment.
Soothed
In therapy, many people report that they feel better just having someone to listen to what they have to say. As you observe me attuning, validating, and empathizing, you may begin to feel your nervous system calm.
Anxiety is a very common emotion. Rather than trying to eliminate anxiety, I will work with you to develop tools to sooth yourself or expand your capacity to handle the anxiety.
Test Drive a Free 15 Minute Consultation
Perhaps, after reading this you have more questions or maybe you are still feeling nervous or scared to start therapy. I offer the free 15-minute consultation to allow you the space to ask the questions that you need to ask or to express the emotions that are coming up as you think about starting therapy. The free 15-minute consultation is an opportunity for you to gather more information so you can make an informed decision.
Curiosity and Compassion
Two values that you will hear me mention a lot in our therapy sessions are curiosity and compassion. I believe that a lot of distress comes from low awareness of what’s happening in our inner world, such as our thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations. You will hear me ask a lot of curious questions such as, “When ____ happened, what were your thoughts, feelings, or bodily sensations?” By modeling curiosity, it is my desire that you will develop curiosity for your inner world.
Often with compulsive or addictive behaviors, my clients will report high levels of shame and despair. Because shame and despair are some of the fuels that keeps the cycle of compulsive or addictive behaviors spinning, compassion is necessary for healing. I model compassion for what you are telling me.
Therapeutic Team
Often, my clients will ask me something along the lines of, “What do you think I should do?” You may be looking for me to give you advice on what to do.
Unfortunately, I do not have a glass ball that I can look into the future to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. In addition, you may already have a lot of people in your life who will tell you exactly what you should or shouldn’t do. You don’t need another person giving your advice.
Instead, I work with you create a therapeutic team. I believe that you are the expert of you while I am the expert of relationships, emotions, and addictions. As we work together to form a therapeutic team, you will potentially discover the answers that have eluded you for a long time.